I was feeling a certain bout of loneliness this morning; it was the kind of loneliness that you know means nothing, but still will not leave you alone. This loneliness came with the works: crying, questioning my immediate future, questioning my distant future, and feeling isolated. It soon became very apparent to me that I needed to do something with all of these thoughts that were swimming through my head, so I decided to write. I pulled out a notebook and wrote down the title “Lonely but Never Alone”, and then I started flipping through the pages that I had already filled. As I was flipping I came across something that I had written about an awkward date; I decided to read it because I figured that it would be good for a laugh, but what I got was so much more. What I received in reading that was hope, truth, and yes a good laugh. After reading that I realized that God was giving me what I had been praying for just minutes before. He had given me someone who understood what I was feeling and could encourage me; that person just happened to be a former version of myself writing down my thoughts. As I soaked in this realization I felt the title that I had written down expecting the content to be full of despair turn into one that would have content full of hope. This title and its truth became real to me. I will become lonely at times, that is inevitable, but I am never alone. I have a Heavenly Father who will always provide what I need when I need it. What a blessing.
I wrote this very short thought just before going on my road trip with Catie last summer. The feeling that comes over me when I am about to do something that I have looked forward to for so long is quite simply surreal. There’s an underlying fear that it won’t meet your expectations; then it massively exceeds those expectations. I’m about to take another trip I have been dreaming about, so once again these thoughts below are swimming through my head.
This isn’t happening. Don’t think of that in an urgent or angry context, but rather a blissful disbelief that something you’ve dreamed up, worked for, and planned for is becoming a reality. It’s been in the making so long you can’t wrap your mind around the fact that it’s time to do this incredibly exciting thing.
I have decided to do something a bit different for this post. Within the past couple of days I have bought some songs on my ipod, so I am going to list what those are and why I bought them.
The first is Oh My Soul by Casting Crowns. This is off of their most recent album The Very Next Thing. This song originally got my attention, because it was the song that the lead singer wrote when he was diagnosed with cancer. The brutal honesty about how one feels and what people’s tendencies are when suffering is rather refreshing. I especially like the second verse
Here and now
You can be honest
I won’t try to promise that someday it all works out
‘Cause this is the valley
And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know
I love this verse especially because it is honest, encouraging, and a bit poetic. All around I highly recommend this song it will encourage you in whatever difficulty you are facing at the moment.
The second is Scars to Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara. I have to be completely honest and say while this song has a cool message I haven’t studied the lyrics enough to totally understand the depth of what she is saying. The message is clear, but there seems to be quite a bit of depth to this song. This song is one of those “you’re beautiful how you are right now. People need to stop being so cruel to each other/hard on themselves” songs. What sets this song apart for me is the second verse (Yes again. I am a sucker for the second verse of songs. They’re so overlooked)
She has dreams to be an envy, so she’s starving
You know, “Covergirls eat nothing.”
She says, “Beauty is pain and there’s beauty in everything.”
“What’s a little bit of hunger?”
“I could go a little while longer,” she fades away
She don’t see her perfect, she don’t understand she’s worth it
Or that beauty goes deeper than the surface
Ah oh, ah ah oh,
So to all the girls that’s hurting
Let me be your mirror, help you see a little bit clearer
The light that shines within
I see the first half of this verse in so many people I know. Most people I know are not starving themselves so that they can be a certain size, but they are pushing themselves far past their limits. They say to themselves “I can go a little while longer” then fade away. This fade looks different on everyone; it can be spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, or even all of the above. I like this song because it reminds you to take care of yourself.
The next is the clean version of I Took a Pill in Ibiza (Seeb Remix) by Mike Posner. I heard this song on the radio in my car the other day and had a full on jam session while waiting in traffic, so obviously I had to buy it. I don’t have anything deep about this one it’s just something I would likely put on a road trip mix.
The next is sunshine by blanca. My aunt recommended this to me a month or two back; I like it because it’s upbeat/Jesusy and the actual music has a cool island vibe. This is something I would listen to while baking or getting ready on a lazy morning. It puts me in a better mood.
Last but not least is My Lighthouse by Rend Collective off of their album Campfire II: Simplicity. This was recommended to me by a friend today. I have heard this before, but it had been years. I immediately remembered how much I love it. I chose this particular version, because it seemed to have a bit more of an acoustic/bluegrass feel versus what seemed to be their more popular version. I like it because I can see myself listening to this before a more extended quiet time to help center myself and get into a spirit of worship.
I hope this introduced you to a song or two to get into.
I added youtube links to each song!
Have a great week friends!
As I have battled anxiety, particularly within the past couple of years I have found a common theme- well-meaning people saying things like “stop worrying you have nothing to worry about.” Or “stop worrying, it’s going to be okay.” I know that those things are true. I know that I’m not supposed to worry, I know that I’m incredibly blessed and comparatively I have nothing to worry about. I know that it’s going to be okay, but in those dark moments it doesn’t feel like it. Please stop saying those things to people who battle anxiety; even though that person likely knows that it’s going to be okay it doesn’t FEEL like it’s going to be okay in that moment. I don’t want someone to remind me of some cliché that God loves me and because of that everything will be fine. I want someone to speak truth into my life. I want someone to say, “Life sucks, but even when you are facing some of the suckiest moments you will face God is there. Even in the moments when you don’t feel worthy of being loved, you are. Romans 8:37-39 says that nothing can separate you from that love.” Hearing someone say that is more real and honest.
When you say things like “stop worrying” or “it’s going to be okay,” you likely aren’t listening long enough or well enough to help the person heal. So many people are searching for the perfect thing to say to those who are grieving or battling mental illness, but oftentimes you don’t need to say anything; oftentimes you just need to listen and physically be there. When I would be in the midst of panic attacks, I yearned for someone to physically be there, not because I wanted them to word vomit things to make them feel like they attempted to help, but because I wanted them to hug me and hold my hand and pray for me. Just being with a person and letting them tell you what would help them most speaks volumes, because it means you are there for them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been with someone who had just lost a job or they were freaking out about something or they were depressed and they would apologize for not being fun to be around. When someone apologizes for struggling and being human, don’t let them apologize. Honestly, don’t say “it’s okay” or “I forgive you”; the people that I feel safest with in this regard are the ones who say “don’t be sorry” because I know that they don’t just tolerate when I’m struggling. They love me even when I am far from lovely. I’m not talking about the emotion love; I’m talking about the action love.
James 1:19 tells us to “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” This passage focuses on avoiding evil by actually doing what the word of God says, and if you want to look more into that I highly recommend that you do – it’s James 1:19-27. When we take a closer look at why we word vomit on those who are hurting, we find that oftentimes it’s because we feel uncomfortable, so we selfishly fill the silence to make ourselves feel less uncomfortable. It’s not for the other person; it’s for us, and sure that’s not nearly as obvious as the selfishness of someone who has a plethora of riches and is unwilling to share it with the less fortunate, but it is self-serving all the same. When we are so focused on our personal comfort in difficult situations where we don’t know what to do we miss opportunities to show others that they are valued and loved. We miss opportunities to listen to those who feel like no one cares to actually listen.
Honestly, the best thing I can encourage you to do is to look into this concept for yourself. The book of James is a great place to start if you want a biblical view of how to show others you care about them. The main thing to get from James is that we need to be doers of the word, because when your life is changed by the grace of Christ, you are going to do things differently; it’s just human nature. When something life-changing happens, be it coming to Christ or having a baby, we act differently. One of the best ways you can be a doer of the word is by being slow to speak and quick to listen when you are with someone who is hurting. Please don’t say to me “it’s going to be okay.” Please do sit with me, listen to me, cry with me, compassionately take my hurt and burden to Jesus in prayer. Please do any or all of those things in place of awkwardly saying to me, “stop freaking out. You’re going to be okay.” Doing those things shows that you love both Jesus and the person you are comforting much more clearly than simply saying to them “it’s going to be okay”.
Rest is a good thing. I am so prone to try to fill my schedule to the brim, but it’s not healthy. This idea of stopping to rest is one that has been quite prominent in my mind the past few weeks. I realized how much I needed to reevaluate this recently for a multitude of reasons, but one of the simpler reasons was I came across a quote by Bob Goff author of my favorite book Love Does that said “It’s easy to confuse a lot of activity with a purposeful life. Get some rest.” If that isn’t me to a T I don’t know what is. I have recently found that the more I allow myself to rest the more I remember the things I enjoy. The more that I rest the more that I am able to not just survive the hour, the day, the week, whatever, in addition I am thriving.
I am often led back to a rather haunting thought: what’s the point in doing everything if you aren’t able to stop long enough to experience any of it? When my schedule is so full I’m so focused on surviving that I often miss opportunities to soak up the incredible moments.
Coming to the realization that rest is good is always incredibly freeing, because so often I feel obligated to do things that clutter my schedule and freak me out. I want to love God, others and myself well but so often I get focused on the first two and ultimately I fail because I get caught up in doing things rather than actually loving God and others. Honestly it very quickly and easily becomes me doing things for the sake of doing them and feeling good about myself because I’m doing things. In short I ignore the fact that I am only human and I need rest.
There are so many passages that I could point to that speak to this topic in some way, but I’m going to go back to creation. God created the earth and then took a day to rest. Later in the Ten Commandments He established keeping the Sabbath as a day set aside for worship AND rest. Why did He set these examples and expectations? Because He knows that we are only human and we need rest. Our need for rest points us back to Him and quite frankly that is beautiful. Lovely human as you read this remember that rest is a good thing that helps equip us for loving others and more importantly God.
Get some rest.
For this particular post I am shamelessly taking inspiration from one of the songs we are going over in children’s choir for the upcoming musical. The song is called “Self Less” and shocker it’s about being selfless. I absolutely adore how they go about taking on such a common and easily forgotten topic. The entire musical does this in a very cutesy way, but I love this particular song.
The song starts off talking about the little boy who gave the two fish and five loaves of bread when Jesus fed the five thousand. Actually when I went to the gospels to find whether the little boy was a part of feeding the four thousand or five thousand I was not able to find even a mention of the little boy being the one who gave the food until the gospel of John (chapter 6). This honestly makes it pretty clear to me how insignificant this little guy was in the eyes of society. It would have been easy for him to say “How will my food help feed thousands of people? I won’t even bother.” However he did and because it was Jesus, he was used. Our Lord and Savior uses insignificant people like you and I who just want to love and bless others.
The next part of the song is a chorus that I’ll talk about later, after the chorus is a verse about the Good Samaritan. For this passage I went to Luke 10:25. The poor traveler was robbed and beaten almost to death. You would think that the religious guys who passed by him would have helped since they were devoted to doing the work of God, but for various reasons they were both too holy to help. Now the passage never says why they passed by on the other side, but there is certainly commentary and speculation out there if you are more interested in the why. The third guy was a Samaritan since our poor traveler was on the way from Jerusalem it’s a pretty safe bet that this guy was a Jew and in an area in which Samaritans weren’t welcome. Once again if you are interested in the why on either of these things there’s certainly commentary and speculation out there. Since the Samaritan was in a place where he was so unwelcomed it would have been easy for him to also pass by, but he didn’t. He took care of traveler and paid for him to be cared for even after he left. This Samaritan was very clearly not liked by the people surrounding him. There was a lot of prejudice against him, but he helped anyway. Our Lord and Savior is one who loves those that society does not and He uses them to bless the lives of others.
Now for the chorus, honestly it’s my favorite part of the song because it ties these two stories together so well. It says “If you’re looking for ways to be like Jesus, how you can live so people are blessed. It’s not about thinking less of yourself, it’s all about thinking of yourself less.” Both of these stories could have easily ended with “I’m not significant enough” or “I’m not welcomed in this area, staying to help this guy could mean bad things for me”, but they didn’t. Both people helped even though they weren’t likely candidates. They didn’t let their shortcomings or the fact that they felt uncomfortable stop them, instead they focused on the need at hand and gave what they could. I love that this chorus focuses on not thinking less of ourselves. I can’t count the amount of times that I let a pity party ruin an opportunity to bless someone else, I was so focused on myself and my shortcomings I completely forgot about the other person. Remember it’s not about thinking less of yourself, it’s all about thinking of yourself less.
I wrote this the summer I was in Canada. On the day I wrote this I was on a canoe trip doing what they referred to as solo day. Essentially this means they dropped us off at secluded location near camp and we spend several hours spending time with God. I naturally did quite a bit of writing and this is one of the poems that I wrote that day.
The Majesty and Power of God
As I sit by the water hearing waves crash on the rocks because of the intense wind I praise God
As I see my canoe shake and all the tree limbs around me blow this way and that I praise God
As I look up to dark ominous sky and feel my fear of the rain and my lack of shelter I praise God
As I think of how small I am and how minuscule my time here is compared to all of eternity I praise God
My God is a powerful one stirring the lake and the winds around me. Proclaiming His majesty in the beauty of the waves crashing on the rocks. The wavering tree limbs bowing in awe at His strength. All I can do in this moment is praise God.
The only way I know how to start this is by stating that the Christmas season is stressful, sad, and hard. This is not new no one is reading this and going “What?! It is?!” it’s something we all experience and try our best to ignore and/or hide. Something I’ve been thinking about over the past few days is the fact that we get so busy and caught up in the “mandatory” good things about Christmas that we forget why it’s so important and amazing. We get caught up in being with family, doing nice things for people, and yes even celebrating a precious child in a manger. We get so caught up in and stressed out because of these things that we forget that the reason Christmas is one of the best holidays is because that precious child grew up and made himself a human sacrifice so that the imperfections that we are trying so desperately to hide -especially this time of year- can be covered and we can have a relationship with the God of the universe.
A song that has also been on my mind the past few days is “Mary did you know?” It was written by a hilarious Christian comedian named Mark Lowry, now for this song he took a quite serious turn as he contemplated how incredible it is that the child Mary delivered would be the one who would deliver us from sin. To be honest the entire song does a great job of hashing out this idea, but the most striking line to me is “This child that you delivered will soon deliver you”. Yes, Jesus was a baby and we celebrate his life coming into the world this time of year, but what is even more important is the life that we receive through that life.
Psalm 124 says
“1 If the Lord had not been on our side—
let Israel say—
2 if the Lord had not been on our side
when people attacked us,
3 they would have swallowed us alive
when their anger flared against us;
4 the flood would have engulfed us,
the torrent would have swept over us,
5 the raging waters
would have swept us away.
6 Praise be to the Lord,
who has not let us be torn by their teeth.
7 We have escaped like a bird
from the fowler’s snare;
the snare has been broken,
and we have escaped.
8 Our help is in the name of the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.”
Friends as we face stress, sadness, and hardship particularly during this season when there is an expectation to constantly be happy remember that the Lord is on our side. He is so much on our side that He gave his son to cover our imperfections and make a way to have a relationship with Him.
I wrote this last May the first little part of this came to me whilst having a panic attack in the middle of the night six months prior in November, but it took me months to have the courage and emotional capacity it took to really write about my deep struggle with anxiety that happened about a year ago. As I near finals and pass the anniversary of when I decided (at 4 AM when the best decisions are made) to to move home I am so humbled and thankful to be in the mental and emotional place that I am now. I truly can only attribute this growth and healing to God’s grace and love.
You will survive
My nightmares don’t happen when I’m asleep. They happen when I’m awake, because the monster I live with resides not under my bed, but in me.
The anxiety monster. The one that can literally paralyze you, but look innocent enough to make others say “just brush it off, stop worrying” as if it’s that simple.
It’s a tricky monster, because by the time you realize it’s an ugly merciless monster out to destroy you it’s been part of you long enough to make you hesitant to fight it.
The monster that is destroying you feels like it’s your only safe haven.
How do you fight it? How do you overcome such a thing? Don’t fight it alone. Enlist an army to help with God as the commander. You don’t have to live like this.
You don’t have to miss life, because you can’t leave your house. You have the courage and strength to overcome this monster, but not by yourself.
Your strength is likely long gone as it has been a brutal battle, but with your army of friends, family, and most importantly God you will survive.
It won’t be easy, it will be painful, and there will be people who have little to no compassion for you, but I promise you will survive.
I was traveling a couple of months ago and I have to say my favorite part of flying is on a clear day I look down and see what looks like toy towns. I can’t help but think about the fact that to someone way down below that toy town is everything, but from my vantage point this toy town seems like it could fit in the palm of my hand. It’s a humbling experience as I can’t help but think about my own toy town that is everything to me. It’s a beautiful humility that I think about every time I fly regardless of the weather that day. It makes me excited for the adventure ahead as I leave my day to day life behind for a short amount of time. Why am I so fond of this humbling sensation? This answer is quite simple: It reminds me of just how incredibly big God is and just how small and insignificant I am. More so I am reminded that this huge God love me and wants a relationship with me. Me! Small insignificant me and all of the other small insignificant people that make up these toy towns I pass over. I am eternally grateful that I love and serve such a personal and gracious God. Happy Travels!